


thoughts 01

by sasukekeke



Series: thoughts [2]
Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24247633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukekeke/pseuds/sasukekeke
Series: thoughts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1750237





	thoughts 01

i feel like shit again. 

maybe its my own fault. well it actually IS my fault so theres no point in saying "maybe". i dont exactly feel like any specific thing. its just sad. i feel like its always like this. i always revert back to this state. am i even sad or am i just caught up in my head

whenever i feel like this its just a dangerous situation. i get caught up in jealously, rage, pain, lust. i cant really do anything about it. i end up staying in my room and sleep through the days. 

ignore friends. ignore family. ignore responsibilities. ignore all the sorrow inside of me.

maybe i need some intimacy. what do i need. what do i want. 

i feel like lurking on people who are no longer in my life. i feel like lurking on the people who are in my life. why cant i trust him. why am i so scared of getting attached to him. why am i always caught up in feelings of jealousy when it comes to him. he shines so bright to me. i wish i could be just like him. i wish i could do what he does and be liked by everyone. its so fucking stupid. i hate all these emotions. im always hiding. i never want to let people into my life. whats wrong with me. why am i like this. do i want to be a boy. do i want to be a girl. do i care. 

this is all my fault. im so embarrassed in myself i hate myself so much. if people could see me like this they would know how much of a lowlife i really am. they should throw me away, disregard my feelings, treat me like shit, please just forget about me. it hurts more to me that theres someone that i think cares about me. 

its the bond that hurts.

does he care. im sure he does right. we're bestfriends but are we. is he just my friend because of the circumstances. im so selfish. its me. im the problem. its always me. im the one who always takes advantage right? i always question him but hes always there. he doesnt run away, not like me. i disappear for days and then i come back. im the one whos unstable. i should be ashamed of myself. 

all i do is run. im scared. i dont care enough about my own life, how am i supposed to care enough for others. they deserve more love and attention than what i give them. im not enough. i cant care enough. i care but its not enough, itll never be enough. 

i wonder when this started. maybe ive always been like this. all the effects of childhood neglect really come to bite you in the ass later in life huh. ive always been on my own so why am i so scared. theres nothing to be afraid of. people come and go, its normal. dont get attached. theyre gonna leave so be ready. all these things roam in my head but in the end of the day, im the one whos doing the running. all those thoughts make me so unsure and uneasy that i end up leaving because i cant take the pain of knowing that someone that i could get attached to would potentially leave me. id rather leave first. its selfish. i only look out for myself because everyone is gonna hurt me in one way or another.

im overthinking again arent i? its all in my head but i need to get it out somehow. im always in my own turmoil until i get that notification on my phone. "******** sent a message" its all in my head. dont mess up again. ill regret it and i know that i will. dont act out. just stay low. dont let them know about my feelings. dont make them ask questions. dont make them question you. dont make them worry.

i want to fix myself. its not like before. there was a time where all i wanted to do was die. i didnt care about being happy one day or living anymore. its not that bad anymore. its just the pain after all the emotional scars i gave myself i guess. i want to trust people. i want to love myself. i want to love others without hesitation. im just lost and i dont have anything going for me in my life. i dont have talents or any "quirks". i feel all this constant pressure telling me that i need to find out who i am and what i want to do with my life. even if there was something that i wanted to do, would i even be good enough? 

all in my head. its all in my head.


End file.
